the org. date is August 9.2007

yesterday, today and tomorrow!
Current mood: exhausted

WOW what a busy few days! I havn't had time to think, blog or breathe hardly...so this is my first chance to catch up....sorry...and I should be taking a shower and doing laundry! Alex is on his way home from work....and yes it is 8oclock at night.....so I wanted to blog before he comes home so I'm not sitting here glued to the computer! I haven't seen him in 2 days REALLY. The kids and I spent last night at mom so that I could help mom get ready for a yard sale on Saturday. It was so hot that we didn't work except late at night and early in the morning, so it was easier to stay there.

So my day.....WAS HARD! we spent most of the day going through boxes of pictures, cards, report cards and stuff. LOTS OF MEMORIES! I feel at this moment the tears coming that I hid all day from mom. I am the strong one, remember! It was fun,(the trip down memory lane) there were pics from when I was a baby, lot's of them...they remind me of my life w/ my kids and Alex. There were pics from before the farm. then the farm, graduation, mine and Nicks....lot's of cards from dad's 50th birthday...it took me a while to understand why we saved them...then I remembered that was the last big event when other people would have given him a card....hard to let go of at first I guess....then after his 50th birthday there is nothing, I mean it, nothing....no more pics, no more cards, nothing....my family ....disappeared?....maybe...I'm not sure. Sometimes it feels that way. Dad died and we fell apart? I think ummm so I'm not sure what I think about that thought right now. Will it ever get easier? UMMM I know the answer to that....NO it won't, just differant. I will not always see it the same and that is what will change. I KNOW in the last 5 years I have come to veiw it differantly, but it is still hard...there will always be hard times/days. I have recently learned that it is the process that counts, how does that work in this situation? I guess I am still wondering when my daddy dying will "grow me and make me stronger" b/c I feel like it only makes me sadder, angry, and anything else that doesn't discribe strong or growing! Now I always feel it important to state, that I would never wish him back, he IS in a BETTER place! but it doesn't make it easier to stay behind!

let's move on....I feel like I talk about him to much....anyone who's lost a parent will understand that need, but the rest of you are probably tired of my whining! lol

tomorrow....I am so excited about....I'm going shopping and if that isn't enough, w/ my cool cousin! lol....we are shopping then meeting up w/ the rest of the family for dinner....I've gotten to talk to her alot more b/c of myspace and WE planned our family dinner they don't even do well planning christmas! They haven't seen Ian since he was little!.....and to think he is talking! So atleast I leave this hard day able to be truely excited about tomorrow! and sleeping in my own bed! lol

oh and alex, well he has to work late as long as the 100 degree weather holds out....the building has to go on generator every afternoon b/c duke power is struggling to keep up w/ everyones ac going so much...so he can't leave work til after 7 when he can cut the generator off after the news....life is never dull when you work for a tv/radio station! pray the weather changes soon! he hasn't seen the kids all week...they are in bed before he gets home! Emma was in bed, but awake tonight, so he did go in and talk to her for a minute!

I feel better already, getting it out...my struggles w/ daddy it helps...so thanks for putting up w/ it!....of course if you stopped reading my now I will never know it....so I guess this is more for me tonight and not you...SORRY! love ya'll lol :)