the org. date is August 23.2007

hmmm....what to say!....so many words! lol
Current mood: weird

so Alex is asleep on the couch....not b/c we had a fight, but b/c he has to go back to work in a little while...life at the tv/radio station! and I know it's late, well maybe not for you singles or college peoples, but for us mommies it's late! But I am still a night owl at heart and I hate when Alex has to leave here late and I know I won't really sleep til he's back home which isn't until round 2 night...so this might be my longest blog yet! lol

So I was in the shower thinking about how I have nothing I really want to blog about and how this has been such a busy week for me that I haven't taken much time to reflect on what is in my heart....which took me back to the sermon on Sunday....and the scripture he used so I got out my bible to read it again, everytime I read it I see something new, which I am sure has a lot to do w/ his sermons bring out differant points for me. Tonight I was struck by the fact that Jonathan didn't take his b/f into battle w/ him, he took someone differant. Why? Why would he choose his armor barrier to go w/ him to defeat 20 men? Why would he not pick someone he knew better, who was stronger, who would more likely kill more men? (I'm not saying that the armor barrier didn't do his job, he did and quite well!) I have been thinking about the answer, but I'll get there in a minute.

If you haven't noticed, I like to apply everything...everything to my life in some way, so in thinking about Jonathan, I started thinking about myself and why things happened the way they did....call it a endless need to figure out myself, to understand and be content w/ my life. So these are my thoughts....ok so I know I was going somewhere w/ this.....let me back up....I think the answer to the question above is that if Jonathan took his b/f w/ him to kill the men then he would have been more secure w/ what he was doing, but in taking his armor barrier, he was depending on God and God alone....I think God allows things in life to happen the way they do so you will know it was Him and no one else.....ei. maybe the whole reason I went to school at North Greenville College for one seimester and then came home...which was so hard, b/c I LOVED school and didn't really understand why I felt God calling me home....maybe that happened so that when I heard of this church called elevation with a pastor named stephen ferddick (who also went to Greenville) I would know it would be GOOD!....maybe it took friends walking through a HARD situation at the church we were attending to help me open my eyes to what my husband was telling me and to move me from the church, where I was not feeling a need to grow in Christ...(would it make them feel differant about their situation if they knew they were instrumental in helping me grow by leaps and bounds?) Maybe it took my parents being in a hard finanical situation for me to feel like I needed to stay home from school, but it was God way of making sure I was there for my family and w/ my dad while he was sick...maybe b/c of my dad dying one month before my wedding I can say I understand to others who are suffering with their mother dying of brain cancer...when they say they don't want to give up hope, but they also feel the need to live in reality(please pray for them...their names are Torrie and Aron) I can say i understand and really mean it....ok so I think that is enough maybes...but I could go on for the whole time Alex is gone! My point is the same as what Pastor Stephen was saying on Sunday...it's the process of what we go through that counts....if I never went through those things...even the very bad ones the I wouldn't be who I was, I may not understand some of them now, but that doesn't mean I won't be able to look back and see the reason later, I can see the reason for all those maybes...the reason that things "had to happen" the way they did, it doesn't erase the pain or grief, but it does help me grasp hold of WHY and also the fact that God and his all-knowingness really does know best....

and that brings me to my next thought...as you know if you have been reading my blog, I have been re-discovering myself over the last few months and one of the things I have found is that I tried to stop being so blunt...I can't say it work well, despite my best efforts I'm sure most people still think I am blunt....but that's not my point. my point is that there are things I know I didn't say that I wanted to say or that i felt God impressing on my heart and I did't open my mouth b/c I didn't want to be to "blunt" I can blame others, but I know it's my responibility and no one elses....so how many of those things might have actually impacted other people? and b/c I was afraid to make them upset or I might seem imperfect or even stupid i stayed quiet. I'm not trying to say that I know best, and everyone should listen to every word I say and they will be better off....but as Pastor Stephen said we never know who were are impacting and how, and I know I haven't always followed my heart and God leading when it comes to sharing how I feel and I wonder how many oppurtunities I missed b/c of that....and to end this I also understand I can only learn from that, so here is my challenge to me and you. Be true to yourself, say it if God is telling you to, and don't leave who God made you to be..., and love others no matter what...be open to what others tell you and don't always assume you have it right...you never know it may be God trying to tell you something....and lastly, remember, it's to process and there is a reason it's happening even if you can't understand it!

ok you will now receive an email of everything I have always wanted to say to you but haven't! hee hee hee JUST KIDDING! love ya'll!