I find myself here again, really late at night...Alex is at work, again! He promises me these "shut downs" they are doing will end before the baby's born....I am praying so! So tonight I was doing bean and it was storming...I found myself wishing Alex was home...and that surprised me, I have never been scared of storms (that was my brother when we were growing up...well still to this day!lol) anyway, I found myself wishing Alex was home and that puzzled me a little...I wasn't scared, but I was thinking that it would be nice if he were here...go figure, then I realized it had more to do w/ knowing he was ok, not me being scared of anything happening to me, but to him...will I ever get over that fear? Fear is not from God, so I know it's not something He desires for me to continue to struggle w/...but it's also something that is not easy to face or deal w/ or remove from your life. Are there somethings in life you just can't stop "fearing"...? It's not unusual for me to tell Alex to "please be careful" which I don't think is an abnormal comment to make...but I follow mine w/ "and stay on the ground please!"...which is my way of saying...please don't get hurt again!...when he works late, I find myself worried that I'll get the "dreaded phone call"...the day we left for the beach, I worried about him all morning....(we were suppose to leave for the beach the night of his accident) but my question is, why do I still worry so much about it. I know logically that it was an accident that is one of those things that "just happened" and the chances of it happening again are so slim. But I also know how blessed he was for it not to have been any worse than it was, and I find I worry next time is will be MUCH worse and that scares me.....ok so my point, why do I continue to worry about it...worry is a sin. But I think reality is real....duh, no what I mean is, I worry b/c I know. I know what it was like to deal w/ a "freak accident" one of those things that's never suppose to happen, much less happen to you! I worry about loosing my mom to cancer. I know that alot of people have lost loved ones to cancer and they will probably understand this worry. Once you've been there, you know...and I can't help but worry....even though I KNOW I shouldn't! I can't help it...this reoccurring mass she has could turn into something else...I know, it's already happened in our family....that "most likely" bleeding ulcer wasn't a ulcer at all....I know. Ok so I guess at this point I need to ask for prayer! I am struggling w/ worry...obviously! Mom should have a consultation tomorrow afternoon to get some answers. Twice I have been faces w/ the "C" word, once w/ dad and once w/ mom already...I just don't think I can do it again! How selfish does that sound? I know....really well, that my God always gives me grace for the moment, but is it bad that I don't want to need it?.....please pray :)
well, a crying sleepy little girl just came in my room, tonight I think I'll let her stay a while! :)
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3 comments:
Oh, hugs, Beth. I don't even think I have any words of wisdom or comfort for you. I will try to pray as often as I can for you. God will provide strength no matter what.
We all have fears. Yours are not crazy or selfish. It is perfectly normal of you to worry about what the future holds for your mom because of the love that you have for her, and because you lost your dad. All you can do is be there for her, support her, and pray for her. Savor every moment you have each and every day with your loved ones. God never guarantees how many of them we will have, and we so often take them for granted.
(I get scared every time a siren goes off when I know Landon is in the field. I have to call him and make sure he is safe when the fire truck or ambulance pass by here. Landon had a recurring fear of another house fire after his Dad's house burned last November. )
Beth, I didn't lose my father till last year. Right after Bob McAlister died, I went through a time of great fear...worried about losing Dave. Then when Chucky and your dad died, I went through another bad time. But I have seen God work in Evelyn, Karen, and your mom in such amazing ways. I know He will not fail me if I lose my husband or my mother or even one of my children or granchildren. Your mom completely trusts God to do whatever He will do in her life. You can trust Him also. Fear is so irrational and comes to us in weak moments. The whole month Dave was gone to New Guinea, I thought about what I'd do if something happened to him. Then I'd just pray and read His word and go to sleep. You, Shannon, Heather, Brandy, Leigh, Bethany, these I know read your blog...you guys know the Lord. Each of you is raising your children in the "fear and admonition" of the Lord. You guys are examples to me. You are trusting Him. It's plain to see.
Love, Judy
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