jumbled.....

For now my brain seems to be fried, I am in the process of like 5 things I want to blog about, but don't seem to be able to seperate them in my brain, sorta like everything is scrambled up there!....yeah yeah , I know some of you are thinking "what's new"....go ahead and get that out! Ok so I guess I'll be back at it when I can think straight!....it might take a while...lol...I can say that, you can't!

I am in a learning mode right now, I am struggling to keep up with all that I feel like God is teaching....I sorta wish I could tape it, so I could go back again and again. I am struggling to keep a commitment I made to God...something I have told few about. I am struggling w/ the idea of being countercultural, I like to not stick out, and I can't be both. I am struggling w/ the idea of being differant b/c God called ME to be that way. I am struggling w/ what people will think of my "differant" even though I know the bible tells me it doesn't matter what other's think of me. I am struggling w/ the fact that I care what others think about me to much. I am struggling w/ the idea of confidance in my Christainity. I should have loads of it, if the length of time I have been a christain had anything to do w/ the amount(which it doesn't....my human-ness thinks it should!), yet I find that my confidance is small....and I don't want it to be. I am struggling to believe that if I know God has told me to deal w/ something a certian way that I am to do that....at any cost!...that confidance thing again.....and on and on the struggles seem to mount. I know that this is how God is teaching me, if I didn't struggle w/ these things then I wouldn't learn them and what they mean to me, I am so greatful for the process, but I also seem to like "settledness" and am struggling w/ the lack of that feeling. Last Tuesday my mom asked how the BSF lecture went...and I say...."well, I didn't leave feeling "good"....I left feeling heavy-hearted" Now you might think naw, no thankyou, not for me....but if I hadn't felt such a prick in my spirit...which I had been chosing to ingore through many other lectures...then I wouldn't have felt that way...I have spent most of last week trying to decide what it was all about....I couldn't put my finger on it, but I am getting there....it was multiple things....like the things I have just listed....we have been learning so much in BSF, I sometimes find it hard to keep up and it sure makes for a lot of things I find that I need to change in my life. I have loved it SO much...I have NEVER FELT SO STRECHED IN MY LIFE....it is awesome. I spent alot of time in a complacant place for the last 5 yrs, something I take full responsiblity for and am not proud of, but now I find I am learning and growing and at such a fast pace that I can't seem to grasp it all....which I find a wonderful change to the previous! In the next few post I want to talk about the differant things I am learning more in seperpated themes...but for now this is it....I am going to spend some time w/ my hubby!.....