a few days late because I had to get past the 6 yrs ago part before I wanted to blog about it....huh! is what I am sure you are thinking about right now...
the original blog started w/ happy anniversaries and sad anniversaries. This past Tuesday was May 6th, which marked 6 years since daddy died. It's amazing to me that as this date approaches each and every year you start to think about different event of the past almost w/o being able to control it. Every year I think, this year will be different, but it's not. Every year it is as hard as the first year. I watch mom struggle w/ the emotions, I feel the struggle myself. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself that this is something that will NEVER go away. A friend asked if it feels like forever ago or not. Well the answer is, yes....and NO. YES, in the sense that it feels like forever since I have heard his voice, felt his hugs, drawn from his advice...but at the same time, NO, in the fact that I can still 6 yrs later close my eyes and feel the pain of the loss...remember how I felt when I thought I would suffocate in that hospital room when we were all wondering if he would/could take one more breath, how I felt when he didn't, how hard it was to understand why this was happening. It also amazes me how the events of the next few weeks are such a blur to me...
This year, was hard in a different way, I am starting to feel like I should be moving on...like people won't understand my struggle....sorta the it's been 6 YEARS....time to move on...maybe that comes from me wanting it to not be so hard anymore....but it's hard for me to tell others that I am still struggling, hence the reason I didn't blog before now. I was very quiet this year and tried to tell everyone I was fine...most people don't remember dates this many years later anyway. But finally on Monday night after fighting a headache all day and being so grumpy I went to bed and fell apart...my hiding it worked fine as long as I was busy...but in bed there is nothing but your thoughts to occupy your mind....Alex said he was waiting for the tears and told me he felt like I would be more upset if I didn't care anymore. He encouraged me to "just feel" it's not bad or wrong, and if others don't understand...well, that's their lack of understanding. He was so sweet about it. Grief is something that has been hard for him to understand and to watch me go through. The first few years he just wanted to fix it...typical guy....he didn't want me to have to feel that way and wanted it be able to make it go away. Now it seems that I am the one that just wants it to go away and he now understands that it is better if I face it..funny how things change.
I have to say I have grown so much in the last 6 yrs, it does make me wonder what daddy would think of me now. Would he be proud of me and Alex and our decisions? Would he be proud of my kids? What kind of grandfather would he have been? How close to him would my kids of been? What would they of called him? What advice would he give me right now? That is the grief I deal w/ every year around this time, I am reminded that I won't get any of those answers and that will always make me sad and that is ok. I lost who I was for a while over the last 6 yrs, but I am thankful that God never let me go, He always held onto me and slowly as I was ready, pulled me back to Him. I am thankful for that, and that every situation I have encountered in life has made me who I am today. Someone God is still working on daily, but someone I am proud to be, and someone I think daddy would be proud of too.
So now I am choosing to move forward from the pain of the thoughts and memories of this past week and look to the next anniversary, which holds joy and happiness...Alex and I will have our 6th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. It was a hard time 6 years ago, but w/ all the memories we have created over the last 6 yrs, it is such a fun time for us~
Thank you for listening to my grief as I poured out my heart. Know that I don't stay in such a state all the time...God had been good to me, and I can now say even w/ the pain, I wouldn't change the events of my life for anything, God sees the big picture and He truly knows best for my life, even when I don't understand.
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8 comments:
I had tears in my eyes reading that Beth. I'm glad you have such understanding people surrounding during this time. I understand that it will never vanish, but you start to live around the loss, building up friendships and relationships that understand it and help endure it.
Beth my heart breaks for you, but also is so proud of the friend, mommy, wife you are today - I think a for sure YES that your daddy would be proud of you!! I really hope to see you soon (before this little boy arrives!!)I love ya!!!
Kate( countin the days to start homeschool - exciting- still scary, but exciting more than ever before!!
Oh, Beth, I cried as I read your post. I will admit that I wasn't the best friend that I could have been to you 6 years ago.I knew this anniversary was coming, but I couldn't remember the exact date and that makes me feel terrible. Your daddy would have been SO PROUD of you, Alex & and your kids. Please don't ever wonder that. Because he would have been. How could he not?
I can't say that the grief will ever go away or not, I have not been through what you have been, but God will still hold onto you during the times you need Him too. And Alex is right, it is not wrong to still grieve and if others don't understand, well that is their problem.
Hugs! Brandy
Beth, I love reading your blog! Your thoughts are so "real" and say what so many people feel but can not put into words. I am not sure if you know, I lost my mother when Matthew was 6 weeks old. I understand everything you said about the pain, the memories and Alex's reactions then and now. I like to think my mother continues to take care of me and of course my faith tells me I will see her again. Your father would be very proud of you! Don't ever worry about that and don't worry about how you react to grief. There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve or a time frame for it.
Love ya, See you soon!
"Aunt Linda"
Beth, you really have grown so much into a wonderful adult and awesome mom! Don't ever doubt that your father would be so proud of you, and IS so proud of you and Nick! If the grief wasn't there you wouldn't be human. You lost your father, I only lost my Grandfather and still every-time I think about him I start to cry. I didn't know it would affect me this way. I say embrace the tears, tell the kids why you are sad and tell them funny stories about growing up on the turkey farm. Make an album for them to retain those memories, and don't worry about others. They don't know what it is like. Sure, some days will be easier, and you don't need to feel guilty about that; as well as, some days will be harder, and you don't need to worry about that either. Surround yourself with family and understanding friends. Thank-you for sharing these thoughts, I know it was hard. I cried just reading them.
My heart goes out to you, Beth. I'm thinking about and praying for you.
Chelsea
I could hardly get through reading this as I have felt many of the same emotions. I miss my Dad so, so much. I seem to miss hime even more when I am pregnant and think of another baby that we won't be able to have him around for. I'm praying for you.
By the way, since we share the same due date, we get to celebrate being half way there this week. Yea!
Thanks for writing this.
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