...Christmas is just around the corner

Growing up, my favorite time of year like most kids was Christmas.....it was always fun, my mom's mom, my "G-mama" was a HUGE lover of Christmas and she always loved to tease me about what I was getting. I am very safe to say I LOVED CHRISTMAS....until
6 years ago
and ever since I have battled depression, confusion and dread.
UNTIL
this year! Let me go back and give some history to the last six years....my birthday is in November and 6 years ago I was in school for photography and did a project on progressive "phototelling" which was to tell a story using photos....I did my story on Alex and his mom making my birthday cake....b/c I love birthday about as much as Christmas!....that night we all got together for my birthday at my grandparents house b/c that is where my mom, dad and I were living to take care of my granddad...(G-Daddy).....so in the middle of my party, dad excuses himself and goes to the bathroom and get's sick....the first sign that something is wrong....and a night I will NEVER forget. So on toward Christmas we go and we are now at the first of December...the 13th actually, and I am sitting in a waiting room w/ my mom and starting my wedding invitation list and we get a call from the dr. to come back where my dad was having some test run....we were told to expect an ulscur (sp?)....as soon as we saw my dad he started saying....no matter what you are told, know that God IS in control and we will always give Him glory...I knew in my heart that it was bad, but never dreamed what we would be told.....from then forward Christmas turned into a nightmare...that was 6 yrs ago
5 yrs ago was my first Christmas w/o him....I couldn't even tell you anything about that Christmas...well I can we did it at our house....we (mom, Nick and I) couldn't bare to have it at my grandparents house w/o my dad or my G-daddy. Nick, Alex and I gave mom a cat for Christmas and the rest was a blur....
Then for the last few Christmas' I know I have just survived....Emma's first Christmas (2004) seemed to be a turning point for me, then the next Christmas Alex was in a wheelchair and I was back to barely surviving. Last Christmas once again a turning point......BUT I still couldn't shake my past and the pain that came w/ the memories.

THIS CHRISTMAS....will be wonderful, I know in my heart that it will be. I am excited about the coming holiday, I am ready for my birthday and Christmas. It will be a Christmas fully of memories...new ones and old ones. My God has worked in my life SO much over the last few months....through BSF, through new and wonderfully honest friendships, through a completely fresh relationship w/ Alex....and by the way I didn't say perfect....through constantly showing me what I looked like to others the last few years, through His love always being there and His willingness to let me learn and relearn His principles, through His willingness to allow me to make my mistakes and then allow me the priviledge of His Holy Spirit to prick me and guide me through the depression, the confusion and the dread. I know I have had a belief in Christ for a long time....but, He has given me a renewed ownership to my faith, one that excites me, awes me and makes me so thankful to be a Christian.
Now I'm not saying "lucky" me...I woke up one day and my life had done a 360 over night....b/c that wasn't the case at all....this process has been long in coming....probably for the whole 6 years...I know God has always desired this for me, but my human-ness slowed down the process for a LONG time. But for the last year I have be in a full fledged fight w/ God...His patience and love overwhelm me when I think about it....But once I felt I was at my lowest, He lifted me up, as though I heard His voice say...."are you ready to listen to me now?" and I was, and the change, though slow, came.....I couldn't be more happy about that now....I am learning weekly what my calling is, it's not perfected and I am FAR from perfect, but I am renewed and excited about that!...I am walking in His contentment and where my birthday and Christmas are concerned, I now know I can surrender those things also, He has walked where I am walking, He know's my pain, His was greater than mine....He is beside me and I don't need to dread anything, but instead walk joyfully in His grace....b/c He loves me and nothing else in this world really matters.
I challenge everyone to walk through the holidays stress-free....I know stress, and it's just not worth the time.....but Jesus is and He wants to walk w/ everyone of us through this season! I hope my story of pain and discontentment will touch the people who feel the same way, and that you will turn to Jesus to take that pain from you...He tells us to "cast our burdens on Him because He cares for YOU"....He loves you enough that He willingly came to earth as a baby and walked through our life on earth just so He could understand you and your experiences....then He died for you!....never doubt His love!