Pictures!

I am so excited, I figured out how to add pictures today, I can't use Safari...mac...but if I use firefox I can add pics! I can't wait to get some more downloaded and on here....stay tuned for more to come....I am a picture freak by nature! lol!

jumbled.....

For now my brain seems to be fried, I am in the process of like 5 things I want to blog about, but don't seem to be able to seperate them in my brain, sorta like everything is scrambled up there!....yeah yeah , I know some of you are thinking "what's new"....go ahead and get that out! Ok so I guess I'll be back at it when I can think straight!....it might take a while...lol...I can say that, you can't!

I am in a learning mode right now, I am struggling to keep up with all that I feel like God is teaching....I sorta wish I could tape it, so I could go back again and again. I am struggling to keep a commitment I made to God...something I have told few about. I am struggling w/ the idea of being countercultural, I like to not stick out, and I can't be both. I am struggling w/ the idea of being differant b/c God called ME to be that way. I am struggling w/ what people will think of my "differant" even though I know the bible tells me it doesn't matter what other's think of me. I am struggling w/ the fact that I care what others think about me to much. I am struggling w/ the idea of confidance in my Christainity. I should have loads of it, if the length of time I have been a christain had anything to do w/ the amount(which it doesn't....my human-ness thinks it should!), yet I find that my confidance is small....and I don't want it to be. I am struggling to believe that if I know God has told me to deal w/ something a certian way that I am to do that....at any cost!...that confidance thing again.....and on and on the struggles seem to mount. I know that this is how God is teaching me, if I didn't struggle w/ these things then I wouldn't learn them and what they mean to me, I am so greatful for the process, but I also seem to like "settledness" and am struggling w/ the lack of that feeling. Last Tuesday my mom asked how the BSF lecture went...and I say...."well, I didn't leave feeling "good"....I left feeling heavy-hearted" Now you might think naw, no thankyou, not for me....but if I hadn't felt such a prick in my spirit...which I had been chosing to ingore through many other lectures...then I wouldn't have felt that way...I have spent most of last week trying to decide what it was all about....I couldn't put my finger on it, but I am getting there....it was multiple things....like the things I have just listed....we have been learning so much in BSF, I sometimes find it hard to keep up and it sure makes for a lot of things I find that I need to change in my life. I have loved it SO much...I have NEVER FELT SO STRECHED IN MY LIFE....it is awesome. I spent alot of time in a complacant place for the last 5 yrs, something I take full responsiblity for and am not proud of, but now I find I am learning and growing and at such a fast pace that I can't seem to grasp it all....which I find a wonderful change to the previous! In the next few post I want to talk about the differant things I am learning more in seperpated themes...but for now this is it....I am going to spend some time w/ my hubby!.....

Freaked them out, cracked me up!....must be a mommy thing

Tonight we went to the fall festival at Sardis Baptist Church.....the kids had so much fun. The CUTEST thing was when Emma, Savannah and Ian did the obstacle course.....they had a blown up one where you climbed a little wall, then went through a little maze then under a bar then through a tube....it was SO FUNNY....they were TOO CUTE....everyone around was stopping to watch them.....and they wanted to do it over and over! The funniest was Ian wanted to be first SO bad! Kudos to Sardis for doing a great festival, we really enjoyed it!


SO I haven't had many blogs about Ian, I know he is the younger and not talkn' to much yet, but he deserves some spot light too. So what can I say....he is ALL BOY, and I love every bit of it.! Although today he kissed his cousin Jackson and I thought Alex and Jonathan were going to freak! But it cracked me up....come on Mommy and Grammy want bye kisses....doesn't everyone?.(Todd, I promise I won't let him kiss Davis! LOL) Ian is totally differant from Emma, He is outgoing, and very friendly to others, not reserved, he loves to talk, althought it's not much English yet....mostly Ian language, which can be very difficult to decode!....he is a total copycat of his sister, and truely believes he can do the same things she can including pottying! He loves to make people laugh, the more you laugh the longer he will do whatever it is that is making you laugh! (a good and bad quality!) He is such a sweet boy, but also starting to test his boundries....always seeing what is allow and not! and then retrying to make sure I remember too! He responds well to "no"s and normally chooses to walk away. He has a easy-going personality, which reminds me of my dad. He has some of my dad's personality, which is very cool to me. Dad didn't upset easily, but when he did stay out of his way!...Ian seem to have acquired those sames traits, but not all....for if you wake him from his nap....watch out....if you keep him from his meal....watch out.....if you keep him out to late....watch out. BUT if you keep his little perfect world in order then he will be all smiles and laughs....just don't rock his boat! Or take his teddy for that matter, he has this teddy (2 actually....b/c after Emma I got smart!) and he takes his teddy everywhere...actually this past week one of the teddys spent the week at Elevation in a box I'm sure! I hope to bring him home tomorrow!....so teddy even goes to church...we tried to leave him in the car, but the teacher asked for him....teddy is popular! lol....oh well, he won't take it to school....of course if I homeschool then it won't matter...I'll hide it before he gets married! LOL
I have recently decided to start taking applications for his wife, I can tell now I will need to hand select her (especially if teddy is still around!)so if you want to want to apply for your daughter send it to my email and I'll let you know in about 18 years! LOL J/K
I love being a mother to a boy just as much as I love being a mother to a girl...a friend told me once that there is nothing like the love of a little boy and I agree...now if I can just get him to show that love to his sister I'll have it made! I can't wait to watch him grow and see what's next, the words, the bugs and worms.....the balls and bats, the mud and stains....bring them on, I love every minute of it!
If I can get my computer to let me download some pics....something which must be a "mac" issue....then I want to download some of Ian and then some I have of my dad...they looked so much alike at the same ages...my grandmother always told me that Ian looked like my dad, but then I got some old pic and he really does...it was amazing...same smile that's for sure! He was so laid back as a baby...well even now, it truely does remind me of dad....I told people when he was a tiny baby that I wasn't sure how I was going to tell him "no"...it would be like telling my daddy "no"...but I figured it out! He is one of those kids that when told "no" he sticks out that bottom lip as far as it will go....then looks at you w/ those big blue eyes and totally pouts! It's all I can do to keep a straight face! He cracks me up! Ian, you have brought such joy into my life, I hope as you grow up you will NEVER doubt how much I love you! and I will always take your kisses! :)

...Christmas is just around the corner

Growing up, my favorite time of year like most kids was Christmas.....it was always fun, my mom's mom, my "G-mama" was a HUGE lover of Christmas and she always loved to tease me about what I was getting. I am very safe to say I LOVED CHRISTMAS....until
6 years ago
and ever since I have battled depression, confusion and dread.
UNTIL
this year! Let me go back and give some history to the last six years....my birthday is in November and 6 years ago I was in school for photography and did a project on progressive "phototelling" which was to tell a story using photos....I did my story on Alex and his mom making my birthday cake....b/c I love birthday about as much as Christmas!....that night we all got together for my birthday at my grandparents house b/c that is where my mom, dad and I were living to take care of my granddad...(G-Daddy).....so in the middle of my party, dad excuses himself and goes to the bathroom and get's sick....the first sign that something is wrong....and a night I will NEVER forget. So on toward Christmas we go and we are now at the first of December...the 13th actually, and I am sitting in a waiting room w/ my mom and starting my wedding invitation list and we get a call from the dr. to come back where my dad was having some test run....we were told to expect an ulscur (sp?)....as soon as we saw my dad he started saying....no matter what you are told, know that God IS in control and we will always give Him glory...I knew in my heart that it was bad, but never dreamed what we would be told.....from then forward Christmas turned into a nightmare...that was 6 yrs ago
5 yrs ago was my first Christmas w/o him....I couldn't even tell you anything about that Christmas...well I can we did it at our house....we (mom, Nick and I) couldn't bare to have it at my grandparents house w/o my dad or my G-daddy. Nick, Alex and I gave mom a cat for Christmas and the rest was a blur....
Then for the last few Christmas' I know I have just survived....Emma's first Christmas (2004) seemed to be a turning point for me, then the next Christmas Alex was in a wheelchair and I was back to barely surviving. Last Christmas once again a turning point......BUT I still couldn't shake my past and the pain that came w/ the memories.

THIS CHRISTMAS....will be wonderful, I know in my heart that it will be. I am excited about the coming holiday, I am ready for my birthday and Christmas. It will be a Christmas fully of memories...new ones and old ones. My God has worked in my life SO much over the last few months....through BSF, through new and wonderfully honest friendships, through a completely fresh relationship w/ Alex....and by the way I didn't say perfect....through constantly showing me what I looked like to others the last few years, through His love always being there and His willingness to let me learn and relearn His principles, through His willingness to allow me to make my mistakes and then allow me the priviledge of His Holy Spirit to prick me and guide me through the depression, the confusion and the dread. I know I have had a belief in Christ for a long time....but, He has given me a renewed ownership to my faith, one that excites me, awes me and makes me so thankful to be a Christian.
Now I'm not saying "lucky" me...I woke up one day and my life had done a 360 over night....b/c that wasn't the case at all....this process has been long in coming....probably for the whole 6 years...I know God has always desired this for me, but my human-ness slowed down the process for a LONG time. But for the last year I have be in a full fledged fight w/ God...His patience and love overwhelm me when I think about it....But once I felt I was at my lowest, He lifted me up, as though I heard His voice say...."are you ready to listen to me now?" and I was, and the change, though slow, came.....I couldn't be more happy about that now....I am learning weekly what my calling is, it's not perfected and I am FAR from perfect, but I am renewed and excited about that!...I am walking in His contentment and where my birthday and Christmas are concerned, I now know I can surrender those things also, He has walked where I am walking, He know's my pain, His was greater than mine....He is beside me and I don't need to dread anything, but instead walk joyfully in His grace....b/c He loves me and nothing else in this world really matters.
I challenge everyone to walk through the holidays stress-free....I know stress, and it's just not worth the time.....but Jesus is and He wants to walk w/ everyone of us through this season! I hope my story of pain and discontentment will touch the people who feel the same way, and that you will turn to Jesus to take that pain from you...He tells us to "cast our burdens on Him because He cares for YOU"....He loves you enough that He willingly came to earth as a baby and walked through our life on earth just so He could understand you and your experiences....then He died for you!....never doubt His love!

sometimes I act like my 3 year old!

Ok so do you ever have those moments as a parent that you stop and think.....does God feel this way about me sometimes? I love my children and would die for them in a minute, just as God gave everything for me when He sent His son to die for me. I desire for my children to be well behaved, happy, and well-adjusted...hehe if there is such a thing. Just like I know my Saviour wants for me. But somedays my kids do things that make me shake my head and wonder if they are getting anything I am trying to teach them....so this is Emma's newest thought process!

Today after lunch, Ian is already in bed for his nap and Emma and I had been working on her "preschool pages" a book I got for her, for us to work on together, we had finished the pages and she was cutting them (to pieces!) which is what we do to keep from just wasting the paper (it's let her cut it or just throw it away and her cut blank paper instead!...genius I know! lol) So when she started to cut her paper I told her "Emma in 10 minutes it will be "rest time"" aka nap time! I set the clock for 10 minutes (so I wouldn't forget! lol) at 9 minutes I gave her a one more minute....so all that to say she knew what was coming.....the timer goes off and I say, "Please put your paper in the trash and go and use the potty" to which she sweetly says "no" it's not a mean no or a snotty no, it's not a no that makes your toes curl, just no, almost like a "no thank you"....BUT one thing we have been working very hard on lately is not talking back AT ALL, but obeying immediately....so I turned and looked at her and said "Emma, I'm not going to ask you again, but I will give you a chance to think about the answer you gave me, or you can go and sit in timeout" to which Emma says "Where's the time out chair?" As I stood there....trying not to laugh.....for she was serious.....it struck me...it had to be my holy spirit.....how often do I do that to God.....I did it even tonight. God will be teaching me something.....I will start to disobey, He gives me a "warning" and I just say....where is the timeout chair?
Ok so next thing is.....she went and put herself in time out (don't even think what a good little girl!) and about 30 seconds later, she says "mommy, I'm ready for you....come and talk to me!" You see, when Emma goes into timeout she stays for 1 minute for every year old she is....so 3 minutes (although I'm thinking about adding 30 more seconds for 1/2 a yr! lol) and then at the end of her time out we "talk" about what happened and what would happen if she does it again. SO she puts herself in timeout and then is "ready" to be done and wants me to come and talk to her so it can be over! AGAIN I was struck by how much this is what I can do w/ God. I say "I learned" and want to just forget about it, to be done w/ it, and I now realized that He's prabably thinking.....Not quite!....just like I was w/ Emma. I knew she didn't feel remorse for what she did, it was all a "game" at the moment for her, she wasn't learning anything, she wasn't sorry and I was sure she would do it again. How often are we like that? We receive a repremand from an experiance, say, I'm sorry Lord, I've learned and then turn right around and do it again. Now like all parents I know learning is a curve, it doesn't all happen at once, but as the child, a child of God, it is my responsibility to look at my "warnings" and lession and take them to heart. To hear the voice of the Lord and actually listen to it and not selectively as my kids do, but to take what I hear daily from Him and apply it to my life! And the next time I act like my three yr old, stop and realized that I am acting like my three yr old and God is once again trying to teach me and it's my job to "listen and obey!".....(which is my pet phrase I use w/ my kids!)
disclaimer.....my three yr old is an AWESOME little girl! I want all to hear that loud and clear! I am and always will be her biggest cheerleader! She is sweet and tenderhearted, she loves to learn and loves Jesus so much already! I am so blessed....which I learned means totally satisifed.....to have been given her, I love every experience I have w/ her and can't wait to see what God's plan for her is going to be! I love her child-like faith, her trust and her contented-ness w/ life! Her biggest "dreams" right now include pierced ears, being a ballerina, and going to "Lva'tion church" (elevation) and don't forget "iwantta cubbie cubbies" (awana cubbies) :)....that should complete her list along w/ the constant planning of her next birthday....yet content that Jesus' birthday and her brother's will come first! She truely is one awesome kid!

painting, not so peaceful! LOL

Ok so today I had this bright idea that I would get an early start on Christmas presents and go and let the kids paint some pottery....I planned it all out w/ a good friend of mine, Chelsea and we took our kids four total and went of to ClayEscapes (which by the way is an AWESOME place....they are my heroes!) So in my head, I invisioned....lol....atleast I'm laughing about it....now.......so my vision! My kids sitting together, w/ paint brushes in hand, sharing a platter for grammy and having the time of their life....hehe. YEAH RIGHT. So reality, Emma, she did ok, whined alot today, and only half-listened, but still sat, well sorta, and did seem to enjoy painting! IAN on the other hand, screamed the whole time, and I thought he was going to bite the lady (ms. ashley...I'm SO sorry!) when she tried to do his handprint on the platter! lol....let's just say he didn't take to well to his hand being painted! he kept saying NOOO....NOOOO, and tried to tuck his hand under his chin!.....I was at the point that I wanted to crawl under the table....I know ya'll are thinking that his little, but you weren't there! Ask Chelsea....yeah her kids were great, ok well mostly! lol....Anderson was perfect! as always! and Anagrace was good to, the girls just wanted to touch everything and all I could see was $ signs floating around and the idea of paying for the broken stuff! So now that I am home w/ my kido in the bed, I sit here and think, WHY in the world did I have that image in my head, that we would go into a pottery place in and my kids would be happy to just sit and do nothing but what I tell them to do....seems so dumb when I say it that way! Hmmm, guess I'll have to think about that one some more. If I had, had a better idea of how it would have really been maybe I could/would have better prepared/steeled lol myself for the event! yeah right! lol
Ok so here is the funniest part of all! On the way home I explain to Emma, that what we did today was a surprise for daddy and grammy for Christmas and it was a secret.....lol.....like I said, atleast I'm laughing!.....so as soon as Alex walked in the door Emma says...."daddy I painted a mug for you and it's a secret for Christmas!" GREAT! All my hard work and now he knows! i didn't think to tell Emma that a secret means we DON'T TELL DADDY! LOL I asked her if she knew what a secret was and she says
"a present we give to daddy at christmas"???? She had no clue! It was so funny! Oh well it's the thought that counts....once she realized that she wasn't suppose to tell, she goes back to Alex and says "daddy I need you to forget I told you about the mug I painted for you.....but it's green!" I about hit the floor that time!.....SO FUNNY! Never trust information to a 3 yr old!...although she did better w/ grammy, she didn't say anything, but I had moved her on to her christmas clothes by the time grammy came for dinner, so I guess the platter was off her mind! lol....I'm sure she will remember soon!

praise and grief....good and bad.....which one to deal with first!

I find it interesting that there are mulitiple times in my life that the good and the bad, the great and the sad comes at the same time. Like when my daddy died, he died on May 6th and I got married on June 9th, a little less than a month later, I didn't know how to take the comment at the funeral "I'm so sorry about your dad, but congrads on your marraige" as you can see, those things don't mix well. I felt, like how am I suppose to be happy and sad at he same time. I revisited those same feeling when I actually got to my wedding day. I should have had the most exciting day of my life that day, but instead there was a HUGE void...the person who should have walked me down the aisle, my cheerleader, my daddy was not there, yeah people told me he was there in spirit, but for me he wasn't there, he let me down.....and it was extremely bitter-sweet. The next time I felt this way was when Alex had his accident...I was SO greatful he was alive,...I understood very well that he should have been dead...but I honestly didn't know how I would walk the path of recovery at that time.....it seemed never ending! Well, it has happened again and this time it has been interesting to seen how differantly I feel and deal w/ it. On Friday we received an answer about our car....and praise God, it was an amazing only God answer! If you know Alex, you will have to check out his new ride! lol :) We (Alex and I) prayed for his accident to not have a negative affect on our family and that we might be left in a better place than before.....God answered us fully! and we are so excited, not just about the car, but being able to see God's hand in something so clearly is amazing and so exciting! Also on Friday Alex received his promotion! (sorry I have to brag a minute!) He is such a good worker and God has given him such an ability to understand technical things....God has blessed him so much in the last few years w/ his job and I know in my heart that it is b/c Alex takes his responibilty as head of our house so seriously. He has an undying need to serve our family and to make it possible for me to stay home and raise our children. Thank you Alex for that, I love you!....SO as you can see we were flying high on Friday, we went out Friday night to celebrate and had so much fun!
Saturday I found out that Kelly and her brother and sister had been called in to her dad's house and her dad passed away on Saturday afternoon....it was alot soon than they expected...of couse it wouldn't have mattered if it was another year, you are never ready to loose someone! I hurt so bad for Kelly, I know what path she will have to walk, but tears, the pain, the disappointment, the need to see and talk to him, and the total not understanding that she will face in the next weeks, months, years, it makes me numb for her. I sit here and think, why does good and bad come at the same time? I would love to be on the high still from all the "good," but yet the "bad" makes me sad, understandable so, but it's no fun to do both at the same time. Becca told me that I should be thankful that it's not just bad all the time, and you know she's right, it could be worse, it can always be worse! So that is what I am going to do, be thankful for the "good" and just walk through the "bad"....you know we can't grow and muture if there is no "bad" stuff, to make us more grateful for the good.

when to say nothing at all!?

SO I received a phone call today from my sister-in-law. She just found out that her dad who has been fighting cancer for the last few years, has decided to stop or not continue treatment. As she talked, I could hear the pain in her voice...not knowing how to think or feel about it was how she felt. She wants to honor her dad, but I know....I know she doesn't want to loose him. I talked w/ her for a good while, but knew in my heart there was NOTHING I could say that would make it better...nothing. It is SO hard sometimes, when we want to be able to help other people through their struggles, their hard times, but how? I mean really....I have been there...NOTHING anyone said made it better. No one, not even the doctors could help me for real...they couldn't stop what was happening. In fact, they promised me if I moved my wedding, then my dad WOULD BE THERE...but he wasn't! As I talked to her, I felt the need to say something to make it easier...but I realized that I couldn't, and it is at that point that I think we tend to say things that don't help...we say..."God know's best, or God knows what he is doing" or something along those lines....but honestly....THAT DOESN'T HELP! I know that right now...all she can think is....yeah right, if He knew what was best, he wouldn't be taking my daddy from me....what about my kids, what about me....I need him....his love, his support...HIM HERE! I know that telling her that it's part of God's plan for her life doesn't fit right now, it will be while before that information can be understood...I still have a hard time believing that sometimes and it's been 5 years for me, in fact...even as I type those words about "needing her daddy" I sit here in tears....it never goes away...she will deal w/ this the rest of her life! SO instead I found myself "trying" to be real w/ her and telling her that she needs to go and be w/ her dad as much as she can and to cry w/ her dad and to tell him she is angry that he will be leaving her....to talk, to cry to yell if she needs to! To say to God..."I"m mad,...I don't understand" He is a big God and He can take us mad....He already knows it anyway! Then I came to the point when I couldn't say anything at all....b/c nothing....nothing will change it...
Kelly, I love you, and I am praying for you as you walk through this valley, I know your pain, and hate it for you...I will be here w/ listening ears when you need me...I am crying too! One verse I clinged to is Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord w/ all your heart, lean not on your own understanding (b/c you will NEVER understand) but in all your ways acknowledge him and He WILL direct your path (even when YOU can even find the path) I love you.

stretched......

So I am feeling really really stretched right now.....there are two events in my life where I feel like it is going to never end!...the first is the "car stuff" it seems that nothing is going right and that is mostly b/c nothing seems to be going at all...It will be a week tomorrow since Alex's accident and NOTHING I REPEAT NOTHING has happened. Alex and I have been praying that God will take this situation and use it to further us in a way that no one will understand how it happened but through God...and I truely believe that is possible. But I am struggling w/ the "human-ness" if that is a word, of the situation. Alex talked to the adjuster today and it seems that nothing can be done for another week unless the "insured person" chooses to call in the calm. the "insured" has up to two weeks in the state of NC to call it in and then if they fail to do so, then the insurance company can at that point make their own decisions. SO we are waiting.....and hoping and stretching! lol
The other thing is that Alex has been up for a pay raise for a while now and yet it seems to continued to get pushed off....so last week he found out that the raise was entered in the computer and his next paycheck will reflect it, but we STILL don't know what it is....then he finds out it's b/c his boss wants to "announce" it publicly b/c he's also getting a promotion....who knew....but WHAT IS IT!....that seems to be the mystery! lol
I say laugh out loud to both of these situations b/c the one thing I struggle w/ is the unknown. I like to know everything coming and what it looks like and it seems that God is once again trying to teach me to stretch myself and be patient...haha it's a good thing I believe that w/ God all things ARE possible!....but I think He is once again saying to me....FOR THE LAST TIME....TRUST ME! or maybe "ONCE AGAIN....TRUST ME!....so I wonder...why do I struggle so much w/ that issue? I have seen God take the hardest situations and use them for His glory. Why do I struggle w/ weather He will do it again?!
I told some friends today that I struggle w/ the "small prayers" I feel like I have had so many "big prayers" in my life that little things seem just that "little" and that I shouldn't bother God w/ them. It's almost like I only trust God w/ the big issues of my life and not the small. I don't know...something I will think more about.
I know that God is defantly trying teach me to keep things in perspective....but I am struggling w/ what that looks like at all. I feel confidant that God is in control of this car thing, but then I can't seem to fully take my hands off or mind off of it and let Him fully be in control. I can't change anything right now, I can't make the "insured" call it in...I can't make the company move any quicker....I can only give over the control of the whole thing to the Lord and learn and keep the right attitude. I can't make Alex's boss tell sooner than he want's and if he want's it to be a big deal for Alex then I don't want to take that away from him....God may have a reason for it being longer than shorter....He may be waiting only for me to fully surrender to His timing and in not doing that I am the one holding up to process! Today in our lecture at BFS she talked about God only giving us bits at a time and why.....I know I can only handle bits at a time and am thankful that that is how He choses to give it to us....but it does leave me wondering what the "next" will look like. and for me I think that is His plan, He wants to see me trust and have faith in the here and now and let Him and only Him think about the future and what it looks like! SO my lession for today has been to fully surrender to God and His plan and to not look to the future but the now and how I decide to preceive it! It's my choice to rejoice or be gloom and doom! I choose rejoice!