these are the times...when

when you laugh, and cry. When you don't understand, yet understand completely. When you are happy, and sad. When you hurt and heal then hurt somemore, yet you know, you know that God is w/ you, He loves you, and He's still in control. Where am I, you might ask, where have I been!?

At this moment, I am sitting in a hospital room listening to Becca read scripture to here daddy...such is a sight I know all to well. I am in the corner, trying to keep my tears silent as I type....my mom's words ringing in my ears..."why is this happening...again...what did I do wrong?" I know, we all know the answer to that...nothing, she did nothing wrong, but at this moment it sure doesn't seem that way to her. They expect Gary to leave our world today or tomorrow, of course there is no time table to be placed on death..so we wait, I must say, I hate waiting on death.


Let's back up a little, seeing how I haven't posted since like forever! Where have I been? Well, not posting, for a reason...I felt called to shift my focus to other things. I never meant for my blog to be anything but a way to express what was going on...what was in my head. So, I released myself from the "need" of blogging. What a relief it was! For me, for now, I needed that! I knew God was calling me to stay focused on Him and my family, and for me, for now, that meant not blogging! I wanted a new hobby, and I couldn't do both! So why now? Well, I have found myself w/ ALOT of time for the moment, and I need to share...so here I am :) I am not, not doing anything...in fact, for now, my only "job" is to stay quiet and be here!...waiting....

How about some tidbits from our life! Emma is READING...super well! I am so proud of her! Our school year has been awesome, I'm not sure who learned more, ME or her! Today at the dr's office I even watched Ian take his little finger and scan it across the words and sound out the letters...he didn't even know he was saying some of the words....I was super excited to see what he has picked up just from watching her learn to read! I am talking about our year as if it has already come to a close, well, I haven't made the official decision, but I think we are close to ending our year! I am in the throws of planning next year...which I am even more excited about...it will include Ian's preschool....practically on a K level, b/c he is ADDAMENT about doing "school" too! And at one time I was worried he wouldn't want to learn! I have picked my curriculum for next year, working on the scheduling of everything...and am SO excited!

Last Monday(the Monday before Easter) Ian asked Jesus in his heart! He was super excited, they had learned about Jesus dying on the cross at church the day before, and he had lot's of questions, when we sat down to do bible for school, he asked if we could read about Jesus dying...."but don't stop til He's ALIVE again..mommy" is what he said. then he asked if I knew that "Jesus didn't have to die for me...but he did anyway" Sweet boy, I think he could of lead me to the Lord right then...Emma, Ian and I had the sweetest conversation that lasted about 45 minutes. It ended w/ Ian telling me, he needed Jesus in his heart b/c Jesus was his best friend, and he wanted to see him when he died! My heart melted! All I could think was delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart! I have NO GREATER desire, than to see my children have a relationship w/ Christ! What confirmation that I am "delighting" in the Lord!

It's interesting, these past weeks have been rough, to say the least. I HATE seeing my mom in pain, my kids hurting, and I hate watching this strong man....well...die. Yet at the same time, it amazes me how God shows Himself...One of the things that was the HARDEST to deal w/ when Daddy died was the mixing of happy and sad. knowing or not knowing how to be sad and happy at the same time, being devastated and excited together seemed so impossible. Yet here again...I find that death is knocking, and yet their are baby showers, vacation, passing of test, and salvations to be excited about...the difference this time...I know it's all ok. It's ok to be sad, and cry. It's ok to look forward to baby showers. It's wonderful to know my son has Jesus in his little heart. It's exciting to see the joy my husband has to have FINALLY passed that test! He deserves my excitement, and no one is going to judge me for it...and if they do, it's not my issue, but theirs! :) FYI, in case you didn't know, their are no wrong answers to grief or joy. Everyone does it in there way...and that's the way it's suppose to be. I am thankful this time, that I have had the previous experience, the knowledge, the pain from the past, it's helping me to understand this new experience. To know, it's hard, but not impossible. That no matter what I WILL be stronger with an even better understanding of God's love on the otherside. This time, I know how to give it over to Him and not walk on my own....and not try to sort out all the joy and pain...but let them stay together and just experience this moment...one at a time. To not deny myself...anything. It's ok...it really is! I will smile, when I feel like smiling, and cry when I feel like crying. The point is I will feel!

I don't know when I'll be back, I must get off, the computer is dying, and I can't find the plug....oh and baby Isaac is great, and we are 7 weeks away!

Please Pray!